Episode 9: Stepmoms vs. The Stereotype: What We’re Actually Like

Stepmoms get a reputation… and let’s just say, it’s not always accurate. In this episode, we’re unpacking the gap between the stereotype and the reality. From being labeled “too much” or “not enough,” to carrying the invisible mental load no one talks about—we’re diving into what it actually feels like to live this role day in and day out.

Expect real talk, a little sarcasm, and the kind of honesty that makes you feel seen. We’re sharing the unspoken rules, the emotional balancing act, the wins that go unnoticed, and the moments that make you question everything (and then laugh about it later).

If you’ve ever felt misunderstood, stretched thin, or like you’re writing your own rulebook as you go—this one’s for you.

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Welcome to the Co-Porti Chronicles. I'm Chelsea. And I'm Jonathan. And this is a podcast about something we didn't talk about becoming experts on.

SPEAKER_00 0:09

But definitely like the hardware of co-periting.

SPEAKER_02 0:12

We're not therapists, we're not lawyers. Well, actually, that's double that's later. We'll talk about growth and the founders for taxone or top 125 culture to 50%.

SPEAKER_00 0:39

Having outward A2.

SPEAKER_02 0:42

And others may include out, real life stories, our partner, and practical tools that you can actually use.

SPEAKER_00 0:49

Whether you're newly separated, you're sending co-parenting or supporting someone who is, the space is for you.

SPEAKER_02 0:56

Because co-parenting isn't about being perfect. It's about being intentional. And choosing your kids even on the hard days. Thanks for being here. The sitcom that nobody asked for. Can't wait. Alright. What up?

SPEAKER_01 1:19

I feel like this is a we can see you.

SPEAKER_02 1:23

No, we can't see you.

SPEAKER_03 1:27

I don't like the way that looks.

SPEAKER_02 1:44

This is a good one. This is a good topic. Um Episode nine, Stepmoms versus the Stereotype. What we're actually like. We are not always the enemy. It's true. Um message to all you toxic baby mamas out there. Um, I feel like I can speak on this more accurate accurately than I have a stroke. I hope not.

unknown 2:13

Accurately.

SPEAKER_02 2:15

Um because not only am I a stepmom, but I am a biological mother as well. And so when I say that some of you biological moms and your hatred for stepmoms is absolutely unhinged and wild, and once again, go to therapy. I like I just don't understand. I mean, we're gonna read a little comment debate that was on our social media to start off the episode, and it's just so funny to me, like how triggered all of the baby mamas are.

SPEAKER_01 2:48

Yeah, and it's so funny because like I feel like so many of like the negative comments that we get are people who are constantly like well, if the the other baby, if the stepparent is like abusive or the dad is abusive, or like you know, talking like like that's that's area we're talking about. What we're talking about. Like the point we're trying to get across is that if you if your parent, if your child has two separate sets of parents that love them, let them be loved and let them be cared for by that step parent. Right. You know, like obviously, if the step parent is genuinely a bad person and an unsafe person, that's not what we're we're not advocating for you to like start a relationship and a friendship with that toxic person, yeah, and allow your children to like be in that environment, you know, like that's completely different. Right.

SPEAKER_02 3:49

But what it's just like what it screams to me is bitterness, like, and someone actually commented that and I thought it was just um can you pull up, can you pull up the idioms that we have? Yeah, um, I can't find Hussey's comment. Um, but yeah, I it's just it oh, right here. Bitterness, regardless of the source, needs to be healed. Mic drop. And it's so true. That was like that was my favorite comment on this video, and just for reference, um, I kind of just made a video because we've been scrolling on TikTok, and obviously our algorithm is mostly uh co-parenting, parenting, step mom videos at this point, pregnancy videos, moms. Um, and I just like am blown away by the like I run to the comment section, even when we post a step-parenting video, it's the most accurate comment that we get as far as consistency here is um so yeah, so I just kind of made a video just like ranting about how like as a step-mom and a bio mom, it's the baby mamas who are causing the drama, nine times out of ten, in my opinion. Um I yeah, so do better, y'all. But okay, so certified hussy. Um shout out. Um, she said, I mean, I think the bio mom, quote unquote, baby mama says it all at the end of the day. We are mom. Maybe stepmoms, quote unquote, should come in more respectfully and understand that it's already a difficult situation without another person's input and a lot of time ego themselves with a savior complex, frequently saying things like, I'm showing a child that I'd like to be chosen. Their biological parents chose them. If you came in correct, cool, but don't act like the stepmom content isn't intentionally trying to be triggering. Pages thrive on it. And to be fair, I do agree with that. There is a lot of stepmom content pages that I don't agree with.

SPEAKER_01 5:45

Like where the stepmoms are acting, you know, just as bad as the biological moms.

SPEAKER_02 5:50

You know, if they're not claiming my life. Paul. Paul, please. If you aren't watching, if you if you aren't watching but you're listening, or no, sorry, if you're listening but you can't watch right now, we have Paul's asshole on the screen. Paul's a dog. Paul's a dog. Paul! Paul, please. Come on.

SPEAKER_01 6:19

Call Paul. Call him up there. This is why we record in the closet. Let him come in your room.

SPEAKER_02 6:29

Uh Jenna is severely pregnant, so she wanted a couch sesh recording. And this is why we record in the closet to hide from our children and the dogs. I apologize. What I think separates Jenna and I, like our content, is because we are we do try to be as authentic as possible. Like obviously, we make funny, stupid videos, but like that's more for like our enjoyment and engagement. Like it, like those stupid, funny videos, they boost engagement so that we can connect more and see more people and hear from more people and help more people. Whereas I trust me, when I see these stepmom videos where they're setting up the camera and sitting in a dark room crying, yeah, like imagine the level of crazy and mentally unwell. And then, so yeah, I get that. Then you having to let your child be around that that level of crazy, that probably is awful, but that's not us.

SPEAKER_01 7:19

Yeah, and and we try to be neutral as well because we are stepmoms and biological moms, and we we we try to see it from all different sides. That's the whole point, right? We're not trying to like bash biological moms and bash step mom. No, and I think there are a lot of accounts that strictly are there to like just post you know these videos complaining about um biological mothers, but not even in a kind way, a very harsh way, right? That almost just makes them where it seems like they're no better than the biological mother, right?

SPEAKER_02 8:00

So I mean the comments didn't disappoint. And so on the video that I had talked about saying like nine times out of ten, there's the baby mama who's causing the drama. If you are able to get over the bitterness and heal yourself and get past the fact that the relationship ended, but you still have to deal with this person. And wouldn't it be better for your children if you can make that a happy, healthy relationship? I mean, I just it's Jenna adds so much value to my life. I don't know how I honestly nowadays, like if Jenna was to not be here, I don't I wouldn't be able to parent function. Like I I just couldn't. I couldn't function as a parent. I rely so heavily on her and I value her relationship so much for myself and for my children that doesn't don't you want that? So if you can't put your bitterness aside, which a lot of these women in the comments clearly can't.

SPEAKER_01 8:47

Yeah, and it's a difficult situation, you know, it being separated or divorced or breaking up, of course, we know that that's hard on a lot of people. And especially if it is still kind of fresh for these, you know, biological mothers and like yeah, exactly. So if it's kind of fresh, where you know it can be difficult that, oh, your ex is now dating someone new, and that someone new is moving in and is gonna be around your children, right? It's natural, I think, to feel you know, and and I don't even think it's a lot of times about the kids, right? And we've talked about that before too. It's like it's your own feelings of maybe jealousy or just which is exactly it just proves our being together.

SPEAKER_02 9:39

It has nothing to do with your children.

SPEAKER_01 9:40

Yeah, and that's the whole point of this is that we want our children to feel loved and supported and secure. And if we have people, parents that are, you know, stirring up drama and causing conflict. Right. Just makes it more difficult. Right.

SPEAKER_02 10:00

Um, what do you say to people who comment um things like on our page? They'll say, Um, you knew what you were signing up for, or you're not their real mother.

SPEAKER_01 10:10

Yeah, I just see I can't handle the the new we you knew what you were signing up for thing is yes. When you go into a relationship with someone who already has children, you know that you are going to be dating somebody who has kids. Like, and for some people that could be new or maybe they've done it before, but you don't have any idea what you're signing up for. Right. You don't know what their lives are like, you don't know what their routines are, you don't know what the their mother is like or father. I mean, just depending on your situation. For me, it was obviously Chelsea. Like, most of the time, you're gonna probably hear from the baby daddy that, like, you know, your partner that, oh, the mom is crazy, or she's this or she's that. And like did Andy ever tell you that I was crazy? No, Andy never said anything bad about you, which which I love. I personally found like the way that he respects you as the mother of his children was like just another turn on for me. It was just another green flag, you know, not if he were to sit there and bash you, that would have been a red flag for me. I would have not I would not have liked that.

SPEAKER_02 11:28

Like I think you're the purest form of a girl's girl, though, also. So I feel like that definitely tracks for you. That would be Yeah. I mean, while we were on vacation, I've never been more sure in my life that I was never supposed to be with this person because I wanted to kill him when we were on our family vacation. I was like, nope. I'm so happy. I mean, to be fair, I also wanted to kill my own husband. But I just know, and I just think that there's a right person for everyone. And you guys compliment each other very well. Like you guys have very like you guys. You guys are very similar.

SPEAKER_01 11:59

Like, yeah, you guys are very similar. It's like kind of scary, actually, how similar they are. Honestly, I feel like me and Anthony are kind of similar. True. Like we have like a lot of like the same like icks and yeah, yeah. It's funny. But yeah, I just don't think that you don't even know what you're signing up for until you're until you're in it. Yeah. Until you're in it. And obviously the kids are gonna grow, things are gonna change, uh everything's gonna evolve from day to day, week to week, month to month, year to year. And okay, now you're married, and you know, you just things happen, situations come up, tragedy can strike, right? You know, you just you truly don't know. And an argument can ensue and completely blow up you know the two families.

SPEAKER_02 12:50

And to counter that though, I feel like what you did sign up for though is dating somebody that has children. So you can't be angry. I have no sympathy for anybody who's like, we don't get to spend enough time together because they have kids, and but like you did this, like you knew going into it, like that.

SPEAKER_01 13:06

I have no respect for it. Yeah, people who are like, oh, well, we can never go on vacation or whatever because he has children, or we can never, I don't know, go out to dinner and do all this stuff. Well, and you and Andy dated. But we can't do anything, we can do anything because of his job, not because of his kids.

SPEAKER_02 13:24

Like, but how like how many years did you date Andy before you got pregnant with Rebever? Because I think a year. A lot of people will use that as like an excuse. Like a year and a half.

SPEAKER_01 13:35

Was it that short? I feel like it was short. No, because we started dating like No, it had to have been longer than the case. We started dating beginning of August 2021. And I got pregnant end of September 2022, beginning of October.

SPEAKER_02 13:49

Um, the you're not their, but on the like, so on the other side though, the comments from biological mothers saying you're not their real mom. Like, I completely understand that. I say this all the time. I'm parenting three children as mom, and I'm parenting one child as Chelsea, and that's okay. That relationship has never been forced. I know that I'm not my stepson's real mom, but I am a mother figure. I am I am someone who should have respect because I am raising him. I mean, not saying I demand respect from my stepson, but I should be respected by the other co-parenting parties because I am involved in this person's life and I have a hand in raising him, financially supporting him, you know, making him the human that he is. And so yeah, I get it. I didn't birth him, but I love him that much that I might as well have. Yeah, you know. And so I just I hate backside or backhanded town.

SPEAKER_01 14:41

Give him a home, like he has a second home. Like thank God for stepmoms.

SPEAKER_02 14:46

I think there's just a lot of stereotypes around stepmoms, though. Like we have this perception that we are like old or detached, uh, or we want to replace the other parent, you know, and like none of those with that like evil step. Um, which and I like like Jenna had sayed in the beginning of this episode, like we get it. Like there are situations, right, where like where that people are not kind or toxic, or you know, I mean, I I have tons of friends who were in a blended family situation. We are growing up, but their stepparent was awful to them and super great to their biological children. So in situations like that, I have so much sympathy and no tolerance for that. And that's why I try to advocate for stepmoms so much because they are a part of creating this inclusive environment in your home. Stepmoms are the glue that is carrying the home together. Yeah, and so I just it's this house would not function without me. I just have to it would be an absolute and it was prior to Jenna being in our life. Like I did have that those experiences where Andy, my ex was with other people and they were not Jenna. And so it just it's yeah, it's I think that the evil stepmom.

SPEAKER_01 16:01

I think that's but that's just I think we've talked about this. Maybe it was like the first or second episode, but I it's not evil stepmom or evil mom or evil stepdad. It's just like that's just not a good person, right? That's an evil person, right? It's it's it's not the fact that they're a stepmom a lot of the time. It's just that they're clearly not a good enough person for your ex to be with if they are unable and unwilling to love your children. And I feel really sorry for people in those situations where, you know, their parent chooses to be with somebody over their own children. Like that person who, you know, let's just say I go and get a new partner and he hated children, wanted nothing to do with them. And I was like, oh, that's okay. I'll just still be with you. I still want to be with you. We don't have to have my son in our lives or whatever. Like, you know, like, and there are people who do that. So I don't go to therapy. Yeah. Go to therapy. Yeah. You can find somebody else who loves you and your children. I think that's what I well.

SPEAKER_02 17:09

If I could just like urge everyone to just like, please don't rush into relationships when you have children. You really need to know that this person is going to have a negative and a positive impact on your children's life and the kind of adult that they become. And so you have just please stop rushing into relationships. I know that people get lonely. I know that life is hard to now. It's hard when you have kids.

SPEAKER_01 17:34

Could you think like, oh, this could be the one, like I'm nobody else will want to be with me because I have kids, or like, you know, it's it's and it's a little bit more difficult. It's challenging because you can't go out as often. You can't do the same things that you, you know, would if you didn't have children while you're single. So you know, when you do meet somebody, it's probably very exciting, and but it's one of those things where you just have to be so careful. And I I've never had to experience dating while having a child, you know, someone else's child. And I I hope that I never have to.

SPEAKER_02 18:20

You're stuck with me for unless we experience that. Murder answer. Because honestly, dating like I think I would just be simple. I'm so happy that I met my husband at a bar old school way. Yeah. Like navigating a dating app, kill me.

SPEAKER_01 18:35

Kill me. Yeah, no, I certainly could not do that.

SPEAKER_02 18:37

I'm gonna scroll through men who pull up fish.

SPEAKER_01 18:40

Okay, just picture me on a dating app in Kenosha. That is like my worst nightmare. Yeah, no.

SPEAKER_02 18:46

Like I would pick an outside radius. Yeah, I would I would date someone. That's too long distance. Actually, that sounds perfect.

SPEAKER_01 18:53

Like it would just be it wouldn't be, it wouldn't be ideal.

SPEAKER_02 18:58

I think well another, like, so it's like we sometimes can be um, you know, given the stereotype of an evil stepmom, but then we're also expected to have unlimited patience and just emotional bandwidth. And so it's like you can't both. Like, am I evil or do you expect me to be no I can I'm evil, but you also expect me to be a saint.

SPEAKER_01 19:18

Yeah. Like you expect me to show up, be financially supportive, make sure the kids are taken care of, do their laundry, make sure they have food to eat. You can't just expect but have no input.

SPEAKER_02 19:33

Yeah, they can't call me mom. Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 19:36

You're in my opinion, doesn't matter at all.

SPEAKER_02 19:40

To ask permission to do things.

SPEAKER_01 19:41

Yeah, I get no respect in the sense that I can't be involved in plans and scheduling. Right. You know, that's just that doesn't make any sense.

SPEAKER_02 19:50

No, it doesn't, it doesn't at all. Having your cake and eating it too.

unknown 19:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:54

There's and and that happens so often. And I can totally understand like the more serious decisions. I can't think of an example right now where you know you would want to have the parents, the biological parents, at least be involved in a conversation first, right? Like there might be something, or what if something bad happens, like to where I don't know, your your child commits a crime or does something bad? Like, you know, you want to have that conversation maybe without the step parents' involvement to decide what you're gonna do or how you're gonna support them through this. And then maybe yeah, you would want me. I mean, you would probably call me first, let's be honest. But right, you know, there might I'm there might be a situation where I think, you know, with the sleepover thing, when I was out of town with my mom and Andy just let the kids sleep over, I just assumed that he would tell you, you know, or call you and ask you um about that. And I didn't I didn't feel like it was my place to like insert myself because I wasn't home and I didn't even know that he was letting them sleep there. You know, just things like that where maybe or maybe you're just a new step parent, right? And it's like, oh, I would rather them talk about it and then sure, you know, you can talk about it separately with your partner and give your opinion again.

SPEAKER_02 21:21

I mean, because Anthony does that a lot with his ex. Like he will like there's a lot that he kind of just will handle like phone conversations. I think that with Anthony, that is more common in their co-parenting relationship. Obviously, we've said before, we don't expect people to be best friends to every co parenting relationship. Like we have a completely civil relationship with our other co-parents. We're not going on vacations and grabbing beers with them, but it's we're able to like we have a functioning, healthy co parenting relationship. It's not toxic. Um, and a lot of times I get filled in on things that are still. Are going on with my stepson. You know, it's Anthony is having that conversation with his ex. I get filled in. There's a lot of things that I get asked input for though.

SPEAKER_03 22:08

Right.

SPEAKER_02 22:08

And I don't feel like, I mean, there's things that I just do out of common courtesy, like, hey, we're gonna be out of town this weekend. Is it okay if you take Vinny or otherwise my parents can take him? There's things that like I would want to know as a mom. And then so I try to give that same grace and courtesy back to my other co-parent. Right. Um, but I would say that that's very much their relationship. I'm more so getting just filled in and I'm okay with that. I don't need to be involved in every single thing, you know. But it's, you know, I think it is just kind of being gracious and courteous of that other person, just as how you would want to be treated as a parent.

unknown 22:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 22:45

So I think that a lot of step parents feel this like pressure to be supportive, but not pushy, um, involved, but not overstepping. And that that takes an emotional strain.

SPEAKER_01 22:58

Like what it's it definitely takes a toll on your mental health for sure.

SPEAKER_02 23:02

Especially if you're trying to also raise your biological children. Right. That's just added stress that is so unnecessary.

SPEAKER_01 23:08

Yeah. And I think that those feelings sh are normal or relatively normal when you're a new step parent, and maybe you're just getting um and more so probably like before you're technically, you know, maybe before you're married, while you're dating that person. Right. Right. You're kind of getting your bearings and you just started you just started dating. So you're figuring out what it's like to be a step figure in these kids' lives. So it's a little bit more awkward, right? Oh, you don't really know your place. You also don't want to yell at the kids. You don't want to like, you don't want them to not like you. And you you're kind of in this place where, you know, it's a little bit awkward, pretty much. That's all I can explain it as. You just don't know your place right away. And that's okay. I I think that's a normal feeling to have when it's new. Oh, definitely. But over time, you know, you should definitely feel like you have a say.

SPEAKER_02 24:11

And I think that comes from being your partner though, too, to be able to advocate for you as a partner. Like this is somebody that I'm going to spend my life with. They do have a say. I will catch myself all the time being like, well, it's not my business. And Anthony will be like, Yes, it is your business. He's your kid, you know. And so it's like, so I still feel that, you know, almost eight years in.

SPEAKER_01 24:32

Yeah. And and I think there are gonna be situations where you just do, and that's completely normal. You're not always going to feel the exact same way that you do with your biological kids, because you can just say, Oh, absolutely, you know, you're like, oh no, absolutely not, or whatever. But if it's if it's your stepchild, there are other parents who need to weigh in, right?

SPEAKER_02 24:54

Like there are other I think if you're given the space though from your partner to be able to feel confident and disciplining, feel confident in opinions, then it's that's kind of like now I now I can feel a little bit more comfortable in that situation.

SPEAKER_01 25:06

And that was uh, you know, Andy has never said anything to me. There have been a couple times where he's like, I don't like what you said to the girls or how you you talk to them like they're too grown up or whatever. Like, I don't even know. I can't even think of an example.

SPEAKER_02 25:20

I remember I was just like remember you saying that like Andy had to pull you aside one time because he didn't like, you know, just and you've talked about this openly, so I feel like with like your body. Oh when you were making comments about your body because he didn't want the girls to grow up. The girls like that was like a super receptive conversation that you guys had. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 25:36

Well, and just things like that are what he's like, oh, just they're too grown up. Like not me walking about inappropriate things. It wasn't like that. It was just, you know, remember that they're younger and you know, you're they're impressionable kind of thing, you know. So I'm really sorry. I didn't, you know, but he's never been upset for me with me for scolding them. Sometimes he might be like, Oh, you're just no fun, or oh, you're a fun ruiner. And we've that's why we've gone to therapy. So that in front of the children, we are a divided front for the most part. Every once in a while he's still sarcastic and does that, but the girls are older now, so they kind of know their dad's personality, right? So where they know that he's being sarcastic and joking. Whereas when they were younger, they they didn't know that, they didn't understand like our banter or sarcasm, so it kind of could look like you know, they're like, Oh fighting. Yeah, we're fighting, or like, oh, you're well, my daddy doesn't care about what your opinion is, kind of thing, you know.

SPEAKER_02 26:37

So yeah, but but we went to therapy and you know, we had all those conversations because I wanted I don't want us to like come off as though we're fighting in front of the kids or well, and I think you always have wanted that like closeness with your relationship with your with your stepdaughters too, you know. I think that it's to me like I it doesn't feel like my house is complete when Binny's not there, my stepson isn't there. Yeah, and so I just very quiet here.

SPEAKER_01 27:07

Yeah, I mean, and not in a not in a good way though.

SPEAKER_02 27:09

I feel like, you know, so I just it's like I think that I I strived for that closeness, you know, and I don't think that a lot of times like there's certain things that people like don't warn you about when it comes to just parenting in general, but being a stepparent, and one of them is like when kids start to pull away and how much that can hurt. And you know, I think that I've definitely had situations like that where it's you know, I mean, raising a teenager is they're just pulling away from you in general, and so I have to remind myself that not you, it's it doesn't matter that it's a stepchild or a biological child, like they're just a teenager in that phase. But yeah, I think that can hurt. I think that for a lot of step parents when they have to watch these like big life milestones from the set the sideline, like that can hurt. Um not being able to be present for small things like parent-teacher conferences to big things like weddings or graduations. I mean, we've had some people in our DMs and in our comments that have just told these terrible stories of just how they weren't allowed to be present at all and you know they weren't invited to things, and then that kid felt strained because they would want that step parent there, but the other biological parent made it a big thing and made it toxic and said that the date wasn't worth it's not worth it. No, it's not worth it, you know. And I just I hope our I hope that our kids never have to make hard decisions like that. Life is hard enough. I don't need to be another hard thing as a parent or as a step parent. They have to do it.

SPEAKER_01 28:33

No, it's not their burden to bear, you know at all. You know, being blamed for things that you didn't cause or things that you just can't control.

SPEAKER_02 28:43

You know, that's just I think that uh when I'm seeing the pattern for all these different stepmoms who are commenting is that a lot of them just want to be validated instead of judged, you know, and I think that we have been able to be a voice for I agree. I think we have more people like that are stepmoms that have commented, like that. It just seems like such a it's it's so sad to me to see how many people are struggling.

SPEAKER_01 29:08

Yeah, yeah, definitely. And I I think they just want, yeah, like you said, validation. They want to feel respected and just all the the effort that they're putting in to somebody else's children to be seen. To be seen and recognized and respected. Maybe they're not like looking for appro like, oh, they're looking for reparations. Oh, you you're you're doing such a great job. Oh my god, I'm so grateful. You know, but a thank you would be nice, or you know, some people don't get that basically. I feel like I do a pretty good job.

SPEAKER_02 29:50

I mean maybe you can speak on this, but I I try very hard to constantly thank you and tell you how good you are.

SPEAKER_01 29:55

You you do more than you need to, but you know, with stuff like that. You I know, I love you too. But like I I don't I don't expect that at all because I already know that you appreciate the things that I do. Right. So for me, it's yeah, I don't need to hear those things, but maybe for some people who don't have the relationship that we do, it would be nice to hear every once in a while that was it hard when we weren't as close and like before you like when Ava was really sick and we were dealing with like hospital stays, like did it was it hard to be on the outskirts at that time?

SPEAKER_02 30:33

Because I mean at that I had blinders on to where I just had like tunnel vision and was just focused on Ava. And so I at the time I could honestly say that I didn't really not care, but like getting your input getting your input wasn't on my forefront of your mind. Yeah, exactly. So I just but did that ever bother you, like not being roped in, or was it hard to like not know what was going on?

SPEAKER_01 30:53

Or there was like a lot of guilt um that I just like couldn't be around more, like for hospital visits and stuff, like because I obviously had just started my full-time role as a lawyer, like was also because of like COVID. But it was also because of COVID, yeah, because you could only have two people and two people visitor visiting at the same time. But I still wish that like and even now, I still wish that I could have like gone more. And I know that I wouldn't have been able to because both of your but you still feel that guilt. Like, even though it was like, okay, it was almost kind of a good thing that it was COVID and those were the rules, because if those weren't the rules, I don't know how frequently I would have been able to go up to Milwaukee with you guys because I had just started my new job. So I would say I feel a little just wish I could have been there more, but not because I didn't feel included, but because I just wanted to be there. Sure. Another person to be there for Ava to, you know, support her.

SPEAKER_02 31:52

But I think during that time it was always very nice for me to like have in the back of my mind because you did have Cora a lot. Yes, yeah, and I think that that was really winter, especially. Cora was so tiny, and those were such impressionable years for her. I mean, Cora Cora really doesn't have any core memories without I mean she has zero without Anthony, and I don't think she has many without you, right? Um if any, to be honest. Like, I don't think especially she actually think she remembers things, but I think they're Ava's memories that she's like kind of piggy piggybacking on. I don't think she actually remembers anything prior to you being in our lives, and I think that that was great bonding time for you guys, and it also was it gave me peace of mind to know that she's safe. Someone was to was like safe and spending time with her, and yeah, you know.

SPEAKER_01 32:34

No, I and and that was pretty much well, and you were really good too, because you would text me after you um after she would have a big day at the hospital. You would send me you you probably don't remember this. You might have like black blacked it out like after like I'm not gonna be like, but you would always you would still always text me if it was like, oh, she had another lumbar procedure today, or her levels are you would fill me in really, really soon into my relationship with Andy. You would fill me in. Like I would say what it was like not like the first two months, but like I would say after that, you were always texting me to to let me know how the hospital visit go we was going. We didn't like you know talk too much outside of that in the beginning, of course, but you were you did a really good job filling me in and you didn't have to do that, you know.

SPEAKER_02 33:21

I know, but I just always when we're talking about these things, it kind of triggers me to be like, maybe I should check in and make sure that I've never made you feel that way. Not saying that I mean I can't change anything that I might have done in the past, but if we're like trying to be healthy examples for other people that are listening or following our content, then I just want to make sure that I'm also not doing those things. You know, it kind of just like whenever we talk about certain themes, it kind of makes me check in a little bit. But um, which kind of leads me to another thing that I feel like stepmoms need, which is just space to be humans. Um, we're not perfect. Um, no one is a perfect parent, so no one is going to be a perfect stepparent. Like, duh. I don't know what else to say, but to that. So as we close up, I just wanted to ask um just some like fun questions because I'm just curious. But like, what would you say your least favorite part about being a stepmom is?

SPEAKER_01 34:15

My least favorite part about being a stepmom is that title and having to explain it to other people or feel like I have to explain it to other people again, talked about that in a in an earlier episode, but I just like to say, Oh, I have three kids. Yeah. And it's simple, you know, but then some people will start to ask questions and yeah, you have to be honest. I'm not gonna be like, oh yeah, they came for me. I mean, that would that would kind of be like psychotic.

SPEAKER_02 34:51

If I have a new client that sits down, I'll be like, Yeah, I'm married with four kids. Yeah, and like that's what that's what I like to do. If they come back for a second or third appointment, then we can get into the T, then we can get into the family timeline. But no.

SPEAKER_01 35:06

People completely, completely change the moment that you say, like, oh, you have kids that aren't your own. Especially because of how young I am and and how young the girls were, especially when we started dating them. They were three and four, that was super fresh. Now they're a little bit older, but like obviously we've been together for a long time. So people start to nitpick and think about it and judge. And I I hate having that's like my least favorite part about having stepkids. Because I, you know, I would like to just say they're my kids, but sometimes, you know, you have to tell the truth when people start asking more and more questions, right?

SPEAKER_02 35:45

Well, especially when we so like Anthony and I have been married for this was our sixth year anniversary, we've been together for almost eight. And so when I say how long I've been with my husband, but then they know that we've have a 15-year-old, they're like, wait, the math isn't mathing, you know. So then I kind of have to explain it. So that's why I just say I'm married with poor kids. Yep. Um, but I would say I would say my least favorite part is the lack of closeness. Like I'm very envious of the relationship with you have the with the girls because they were raised by you, essentially. Whereas I met my stepson when he was seven. And so he was already he kind of like already had core memories in a life prior to me, but also um, you know, and then right after we got married, um, Ava was sick, and so I was gone a lot. So I mean, almost two years of me just not being around. And so now we're at nine, ten, you know, and then it's just and then you know, now he's a teenager. And so, and he's a boy. So it's just it's like all of these different factors that kind of lead to me like not always feeling like as close as I would like to. Um, so I've just really had to kind of just assure myself that um he's a good, kind human. I have had key, a key hand in raising him. Um, but also that, you know, he I just have always tried to create a safe space that he can always come and talk to me. He can ask me for anything he needs, like he feels comfortable asking me for money or for a deodorant, or you know, if he needs a ride, or if he's and we have talked about certain things, you know, with stuff going on at school or girls, and that's all I ask is that that's honestly truly all I need. I would be content for the rest of my life, at least exactly that he's comfortable, and that I'm a safe, you know, sound bored. But um, but it what would you say your favorite part is?

SPEAKER_01 37:38

I would say for me, my favorite part about being a stepmom is that you know, my situation's obviously different because I was actually a stepmom before I was a biological mom. And I I just think that it really gave me a whole new outlook and perspective on what it's takes to be a mom. And I think that when I was younger, I always said, Oh, I would never date somebody who has children. You know, that would be way too hard to date somebody who already has kids before we have kids of our own. Um, and I just think that it's been such an amazing experience for me. And it's provided me with so much growth. And I just wouldn't, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I love it. I love the girls. I love that I got to, you know, be a parent to them before I was even a parent to my own biological son. And just learning how to navigate that before becoming a biological parent made becoming a biological parent so much easier. I am not a helicopter mom, you know. I am very like, please go away. Clay. Like just it's been very beneficial to my growth as a human and a mom. Well, I think you just had like such a good, you know, I mean, the girls were so little when you met them.

SPEAKER_02 39:11

Some girls too, like for sure. But I just you weren't, I mean, you talked about this in other episodes. It was, it was so nice of not only having a partner who kind of had was already in the swing of things, but then like you also, you know, had hands in potty training and, you know, sicknesses and cool stuff. And so it's like you've already were kind of like I was already seasoned.

SPEAKER_01 39:31

Yes, you know. There you go.

SPEAKER_02 39:32

Perfect time to say it.

SPEAKER_01 39:34

What about you? What's your favorite part?

SPEAKER_02 39:37

Um, I love that I can just be an additional person in his life. I love that I can, you know, there's never a child never has too many people to love them. And I think that we've said this before, but why wouldn't every person want just additional people who want the what's best for their child? Um, I think about this all the time. How nice it is to have not only a second set of hands in my partner, but I have two other second like sets of hands in my co-parents. And you know, it's it makes my life so much easier. Yeah. Like normal parents who don't have blended families, like they don't they don't have that. Yeah. Just being able to call you and be like, shit, I'm running late with a client. Can you pick up the kids? Or hey, I can't get a hold of Andy. Can you you know, just things like that. Like it just, it's I don't know. I think it's such a blessing, and I just love that I can just be an extra ally to not only my son, but to my my partner and his co-parents. You know, I just I'm just an extra set of hands. Um, so we are gonna wrap up. I just have one concern, Citizen Judy. Joan. Oh, Joan. Judy, what the fuck? Listen to this. Joan! We haven't done it in a few episodes. You already forgot. Oh, Judy. I kind of like Judy. Citizen Judy. I like Judy. Concerned citizen Joan. Sorry, we haven't had any haters in a while. Um, we posted a video on TikTok and Instagram, and it was just a funny one, kind of talking about the blended family vacation that we just came off of. Um, and somebody posted FL Poketrader commented, vacation with an ex question mark, and co-parent question mark, I'd rather chew chalk. I mean this person is probably not alone. In most scenarios, yeah. I mean, like I said, it was difficult for me to be on the trip with my ex as well for some of the things. Like, not with Jenna at all. I think we're just gonna cut out the men in future vacations and just take the kids ourselves. That'll be ideal. Well, as always, we thank you for coming and listening to us yap for 30 to 45 minutes. We appreciate your shares, your reviews. Um, please submit your experiences or questions that you have, things that you would love to hear us talk about or make videos about on our different social media platforms.

SPEAKER_01 42:16

And yeah. Come back next week. We're gonna be discussing the version of us that no one warned us about. So no one prepares you for how much you change, not just as a parent or a partner, but as a person when you join a blended family. And that's what we're gonna be discussing.

SPEAKER_02 42:38

Yeah, this episode will center on identity shifts that happen quietly, slowly, and sometimes uncomfortably in blended family life. So we'll see you next week. Love you bye.

SPEAKER_01 42:52

Fuck you, Paul. Paul here.